Funny Marriage Quotes

Funny Marriage Quote of the day

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Can't you read? The score demands 'con amore,' and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Marriage is like wine. It is not be properly judged until the second glass.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.