When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

It is vital to avoid mediocrity - living a life of deadness in someone else's threadbare world.

Keep your heart always warm.

I yearned for the woman who could bring me to my knees then raise me up again, making me stronger than before.

No force, no torture, no intrigue can eradicate Marxism-Leninism from the minds and hearts of men.

The Jew has his anchorage not in place but in time, in his highly developed sense of history as personal context. Six thousand years of self-awareness are a homeland.

She's sent the crows out to blind the guests coming for dinner!" What?" She's BLINDING THE GUESTS COMING FOR DINNER!" Well, that's one way to avoid having to dust, I suppose.

Most Americans want health insurance.

A lot of people in my life are getting sick or potentially going to get sick from tobacco.

It made him feel invisible—not that he wanted to feel anything else.

The good thing about my fans is that they like when I'm awkward and real, so I'm able to just go on stage and be my dorky self.