I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Strange how short-sighted being invisible can make you.

If you think about brewing, it is biotechnology. And I would say that I was a technologist at heart. So whether I... fermented beer or whether I fermented enzymes, the base technology was the same.

But I will place this carefully fed pig Within the crackling oven; and, I pray, What nicer dish can e'er be given to man.

If your train's on the wrong track every station you come to is the wrong station.

He only can truly pray who is all aglow for holiness, for God, and for heaven.

The British people think that if someone is disabled, then they should get all the care and support that we can offer.

Beauty is also submitted to the taste of time.

Perhaps it does not matter so very much what it is one loves in this world. But love something one must.

Wishing is not acting. But willing is acting.

I realized that a lot of the great directors that I admire from [Ingmar] Bergman to [Fredrico] Fellini re always shooting, then going into the editing room, and shooting again.