Elayne Boosler Quotes

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

The message of great art is to disturb.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.