Comedian Quotes

Comedian Quote of the day

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Look at what you could have won!

I could be a comedian. I could be a gangster. I could play all of those parts, even for the first time... I'm versatile.

Comedians and impressionists used to be two different showbiz animals entirely, but now there's no such thing as a comedian who doesn't do impressions.

Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I'm a comedian, and even cancer couldn't stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you.

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

I wanted to do - there was this film called 'Magic' that Anthony Hopkins did. And the director wanted me. The writer wanted me. Joe Levine said no, I don't want any comedians in this.

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

What really got my goat at MGM were comedians like The Marx Brothers who never wrote their own jokes.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

I'm a very straightforward person. But that's fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you're talking about everyone else.

When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian.

Nerd. One whose unbridled passion for something defines who they are as a person, without fear of other people's judgment.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

I find comedians to be the biggest cocksuckers, because they don't want people to know how easy it is.

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

Once or twice I've been described as a light comedian. I consider this the most accurate description of my abilities I've ever seen.

To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Performers like Tommy Cooper, who are always getting things wrong, are much more endearing than comedians who are sassy and smart.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor. I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'.

The real good comedians, like Chaplin, would make you laugh and a second later, cry

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.