You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Writing lets you be, say, and do anything. It's sugar for your ego and wings for your ideas.

If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life.

Yes, OK, farty is a silly word. I wish I'd never used it. I'm 34. Perhaps it was a word for my 20s.

The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel and misrepresentation.

Love me, even if it's a lie. Leave me yet never say goodbye

Justice was revenge wrapping itself in a cloak of high principle.

One day, you will say it to me again. You will be sober. And you will mean it.

Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.

"Back in the day when I started - it's like I walked five miles to school in the snow barefooted" - there were three channels.I don't know what I would do.

Money does all things for reward. Some are pious and honest as long as they thrive upon it, but if the devil himself gives better wages, they soon change their party.