I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Life is always more beautiful and worth living when you are capable of enjoying the beauty of nature

If you have never planted, then you cannot expect a great harvest

Unveiling the lies that we live by can ultimately help reveal the truth.

Thank you for stitching me up" I say."I seem to have a talent for it.

You need to let the little things that would ordinarily bore you suddenly thrill you.

The whole business is built on ego, vanity, self-satisfaction, and it's total crap to pretend it's not.

What I really can't stand about the feminist revolution is that it produced some of the smuggest, most unselfcritical people the world has ever seen. They are horrible.

Badly off as the men...were in your day, they were more fortunate than their mothers and wives.

If it requires great tact to speak to the purpose, it requires no less to know when to be silent.

I feel like I run a business although I haven't one. It's planning, planning, and planning.