My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Wisdom : balance between survival, principles and emotions.

It is from their foes, not their friends, that cities learn the lesson of building high walls

You can accomplish virtually any goal you set for yourself, as long as the goal is clear and you persist long enough.

I had build up false pictures in my mind and sat before them. I had never had the courage to demand the truth.

I will not change the world. Jesus will do that. I can, however, let Him use me to change the world for one person.

I was a bit of a tomboy, so I played softball and basketball. Then I was also a cheerleader. And I played flute too.

Being actors we are dealing with the beauty and complexity of human confusion, no? And we are always trying to get answers.

Barack Obama is president of a superpower and I'm a citizen of a small state.

Ask God for temp'rance. That's th' appliance only Which your disease requires.