I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

DNA, DNA, DNA. You never ever deny it, fool. I thought he is my cold enemy. When he died, he became my father. Says Bhutta (Biography)

Let a man's talents or virtues be what they may he will only feel satisfaction in his society as he is satisfied in himself.

Italian food is all about ingredients and it's not fussy and it's not fancy.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Do old people always live in the past? What yesterday was firm and true, may not be so today.

The popular will cannot be taken for granted, it must be created.

As a pirate, she once undressed a fencing instructor using only her sword!

If you're a Conservative, why aren't you behind conserving the land?

You become what you believe.

To be in love is to surpass one's self.