It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

you're going to love your way out of this.out of the hurt.out of the pain.you're going to love your way out of itand be free.

What you don't deal with today, will live to deal with tomorrow.

If you look a word up in the dictionary and twenty minutes later you're still wandering around in the dictionary, you probably have the most basic equipment you need to be a poet.

Stated to a running back after an overly exuberant display of celebration: Next time you make a touchdown act like you've been there before.

I'm very much a leader in a lot of the work that I do or that I've done in my career.

In Oxford before the war, I had, with this interest in mind, written a short textbook entitled, An Introduction to Economic Analysis and Policy. It was now my intention to rewrite this work.

Living is nothing more or less than doing one thing instead of another.

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

Put your passions to work to make this world a better place.

Where do you think all these attacks on conservative media are coming from? They're not coming from the Democrats exclusively.