I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Their mother is Athene, the goddess of wisdom, and, although they are often ready to play the buffoon to amuse you, such conduct is the prerogative of the truly wise.

Humanity must need to continue because humanity is about humans and humans are nothing without humanity.

Losers have tons of variety. Champions take pride in just learning to hit the same old boring winners.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

The firm, the enduring, the simple, and the modest are near to virtue.

Conservatism has always meant more to me than simply sticking up for private property & free enterprise. It has also meant defending our heritage & preserving our values.

I think I would rather be a man than a god. We don’t need anyone to believe in us. We just keep going anyhow. It’s what we do.

Life forms a surface that acts as if it could not be otherwise, but under its skin things are pounding and pulsing.

Love's best habit is a soothing tongue