You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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"Anthony Jeselnik Quotes." Quoteslyfe.com, 2023. Thu. 23 Mar. 2023. <https://www.quoteslyfe.com/quote/You-ll-get-my-assault-weapon-when-380591>.
Other quotes of Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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It's a little weird exchanging pictures for money. You know what I mean. It makes me a little uncomfortable.
He [Elton John] is pushing his face in all the time and telling us about his private life. Nobody's interested. He should just go away.