Humorous Quotes

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter.

Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world.

I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

I am trying to be honest with you and it hurts me. Now.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

An exotic and irrational entertainment.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Any place I hang my head is home.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket.

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

Being seventy is not a sin. It's not a joy, either.

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.