Humor Quotes

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

This morning the electricity came on for a few minutes, and when it did, Jonny said, "Hey, it's a black-on." This is what passes for humor around here.

In spite of everything, I still have my good old sense of humor.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you'll hurt yourself arguing with me.

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged.

The essence of humor is sensibility; warm, tender fellow-feeling with all forms of existence.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

In real life, people in the most dire situations must cope through humor.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I think I love humor in poetry, but not that slapstick cheap easy humor, but that uncomfortable, "did she say that out loud?" kind of humor.

Humor is the only thing that allows you to survive every pressure and crisis.

I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.

Probably the most important single element that I found in my own marriage was a sense of humor. My wife had a delicious sense of humor, and I think I have an adequate one.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of everyone else.

Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.

Humor is the mistress of tears.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever present sense of humor; it is the next best thing to an abiding faith in providence.

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage.

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren't brains, you know.

Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950’s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.

Conceited little mega-puppy.

I have a business appointment that I am anxious... to miss.

The light was only just visible - except of course that there was no one to see, no witnesses, not this time, but it was nevertheless a light.

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that's when we can start talking about equal rights.

Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means.

Random chance is not sufficient to explain random chance. ~Jubal Harshaw

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations.

In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

[Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it's worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.

they should let some people into the library by prescription only

Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Mrs. Cole was a perfect democrat. She hated all kids equally.

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.