Humor Quotes

I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

You've got an awfully kissable mouth.

If more Africans had eaten missionaries, the continent would be in better shape.

[I]t is well to have as many holds upon happiness as possible.

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly -- something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!

The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

And so the Universe ended.

Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

The dead know everything but they don't give a damn.

Find out what people want to do, then tell them to do it. They'll think you're a genius.

LIPID (Last Idiot Person I Dated) syndrome: a largely undiagnosed but pervasive disease that afflicts single women.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that one only comes up with clever, cutting remarks long after the other party is happily slumbering away.

You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.

Anyone that looked like that wouldn't need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee.

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? " - Tabitha

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.

A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.

A person without regrets is called a corpse.

Consider this a fair warning.

I'm a conundrum. Or an enigma. I forget which.

Nice day for a funeral.

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

It’s not easy remembering the good times.

Thank you very Much, I enjoyed myself

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others

It's kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

One does not go to Moscow to get fat.

I don't know what I'd do without you. There's no one else to look after me. And it's not just that. I sometimes think you're the only person who really knows me. I only feel normal when I'm with you.

Sometimes it's the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

Don’t ever trust anyone who’s writing a book. They make up lies for a living.