Humor Quotes
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
As for George Bush of Kennebunkport, Maine- personally I think he's further evidence that the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky has an overdeveloped sense of irony.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
You know, in the suburbs, most people believe in gravity, but they don't have much of a sense of humor.
Humor is in fact an essential element in the mirth of creation. We can see how, in many matters in our lives, God wants to prod us into taking things a bit more lightly.
Humor is essential to a full and happy life. It is a reliever and relaxer of pressure and tension, and the saving element in many situations.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
As writers, we're always trying to connect with the audience on a visceral level. We usually do that through drama, through emotion or through humor.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Humor is the healthy way of feeling "distance" between one's self and the problem, a way of standing off and looking at one's problem with perspective.
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
There are two insults which no human being will endure: The assertion that he hasn't a sense of humor, and the doubly impertinent assertion that he has never known trouble.
Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
