If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

There's certainly more work for me in TV these days.

If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits.

For a Bostonian... we live in the shadow of New York, and to be acknowledged by New Yorkers is really the greatest feeling.

Honestly, I am so ignorant of how dance works that I cant even imagine a story that you would want to tell through movement.

San Francisco. The one team that everyone in LA hates.

A guy like Scott [Robinson] plays the whole history of music on every instrument you've ever heard of. He's just kind of an unparalleled genius.

Others form man; I tell of him, and portray a particular one, very ill-formed, whom I should really make very different from whathe is if I had to fashion him over again. But now it is done.

There's always that one person, That will always have your heart. That one person for me is you.

Intelligent design, unlike creationism, is a science in its own right and can stand on its own feet.

Now the fair goddess, Fortune, Fall deep in love with thee, and her great charms Misguide thy opposers' swords!