This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I've never said flange to a monkey!

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

The world is a mirror of ourselves.

Even if you are perfect the World isn't.

Some animals could see in the dark, but it was only humans who deliberately sought out every possible route into the darkness of our own interiors.

God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.

You do not know just what you've been forgiven.

Never underestimate a dumb question.

I really don't make a concerted effort to try to find a type of role.

Cooking is one of the oldest arts and one which has rendered us the most important service in civic life.

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, to weep is to risk appearing too sentimental, to reach out for another is to risk involvement, and to expose feelings is to risk exposing one's true self.

I'm not trying to be a different weight. I want to be a different body type so that I'm not an apple. I just want to be a pear!