I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Don’t only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge can raise men to the divine.

He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.

God’s perfect plan and purpose shall be fulfilled in my life.

Beauty becomes tinged with sadness when experienced alone.

Time is clay; make something.

I guess if you take yourself seriously as an artist there starts either the problem or the beauty of doing good artwork.

Although I always loved reading and putting words on paper, I never thought about becoming a writer until I was twelve.

As concerning football, I protest unto you that it may rather be called a friendly kind of fight than a play or recreation - a bloody and murdering practise than a fellowly sport or pastime.

This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.

Love, even of the most ardent and soul-destroying kind, is never caught by the lens of the camera.