Humor Quotes

We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!

There's two heads to every coin.

They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.

Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.

Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

There's nothing worse than people talking about theories and humor.

I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law.

How come there's no terrorism with humor, which is a great way to humiliate your enemy? It's a great time for that.

Sometimes you have to be lucky, but I always say that to be lucky, you have to fight for it.

Liberty, like chastity, once lost, can never be regained in its original purity.

There are very few good judges of humor, and they don't agree.

My husband is very funny and his humor has gotten us through a lot. He's good at defusing me.

I think I do find humor in disorder, and reality is disorder.

Rats have a sense of humor. Rats, in fact think the world is very funny. And they are right, dear reader. They are right.

[Humor] could be dicey for a therapist and needs to be used very deftly.

I sometimes think humor and satire are more effective techniques for expressing social statements than direct comment.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

I hang out with the nerdy people they have a different sense of humor than most kids.

There are people that say you should never use humor to talk about anything that's important or hard, and since I don't believe that, at some point there has to be a level of "agree to disagree."

If I sit for a while, then my impatience, crossness, frustration, are indeed annihilated, and my sense of humor returns.

~I use humor instead of getting into that whole yes and no thing all the time. It's about just getting them to laugh rather than getting in power struggles.~

One thing I learned from his holiness the Dali Lama is the importance of humor.

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

Most of the humor comes from how outrageous the situations and circumstances are.

A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him.

There is no place in the world, I imagine, for a philosopher with a sense of humor, a new leisure, and an inquiring turn of mind!

Humor does depend on surprise, and the things that people remember as the funniest things in the world, you look at later and you go, "What? What was that all about?"

Humor is a kind of emotional chaos told about calmly and quietly in retrospect.There is always a laugh in the utterly familiar.

Throw in the humor, throw in that personality, try things you wouldn't normally try.

If by being overstudious, we impair our health and spoil our good humor, let us give it up.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.