Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Their beauty had always seemed to him like the beauty of pressed flowers-lovely, but dead.

Be careful of what you dwell on and what you say. Your thoughts and words will either acquit or condemn you.

None of us plan--or intend--to get into trouble. The problem is, we don't plan not to.

I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.

One of our great thematic traditions in Bad Religion has been to question human nature.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

Rectory always sounded to me like a place where you would find a proctologist.

You make your own luck. Luck is the residue of design.

It is possible to eat English piecrust, whatever you may think at first. The English eat it, and when they stand up and walk away, they are hardly bent over at all.

He that works and does some Poem, not he that merely says one, is worthy of the name of Poet.