Humor Quotes

don't try for wit. Settle for humor. You'll last longer.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

Humor is falling downstairs if you do it in the act of telling your wife not to.

I'm sure that being sober all these years accounts for my ill humor.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

The best things in life must come by effort from within, not by gifts from the outside.

Donald Trump's humor is hostile to a fault.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't.

It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children.

I can't tell you what it's like to be in Europe, for example, to be talking about the greatness of America. But the true greatness of America are the people.

I confirmed to the prime minister that we appreciate our friendship.

As Governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.

I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective.

Humor is a show of both strength and of vulnerability: you are willing to make the first move but you are trusting in the response of your listener.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

The man who tells me an indelicate story does me an injury.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

it's dreadful when two people's senses of humor are antagonistic. I don't believe there's any bridging that gulf!

With their charm and legendary sense of humor, the British directly or indirectly paved the way for a large number of European compromises.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

Attitude, humor and action (persistence) will whip fears and rejection. Fear of failure doesn't exist, if you believe it doesn't.