Humor Quotes

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

If I had a sense of humor, I'd be laughing right now.

A rule of thumb with humor; if you worry that you might be going too far, you have already not gone far enough. If everybody laughs, you have failed.

Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead.

Make us laugh and you can pick all pockets.

There is scarcely an aspect of the American character to which humor is not related, few which in some sense it has not governed. ... It is a lawless element, full of surprises.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions

If you want a lot of visual humor, the way to do it is have visual people do it.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Understanding humor is like dissecting a live frog. It can be done, but the frog tends to die in the process.

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

A friend you have to buy won't be worth what you pay for him.

It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.

Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state.

I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.

Keep good relations with the Grecians.

It's your money. You paid for it.

I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified.

I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans.

Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.

The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.

The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas.

It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce.