Humor Quotes

No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it's inconvenient for you.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

You get tired of always wondering anew why life has to take the place of youth.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.

I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.

Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

Tut, Tut, looks like rain

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?

Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.

I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.

A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those worth committing.

You know, I'm Australian, and we have got the worst sense of humor. We are cruel to each other.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

Clumsy jesting is no joke.

Humor, in one form or another, is characteristic of every nation; and reflecting the salient points of social and national life, it illuminates those crowded corners which history leaves obscure.

I really do believe that anything in life - any obstacle or challenge - can be made better with humor.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

Righteous people have no sense of humor.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

When we realize finally that we aren't God's given children, we'll understand satire. Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.

At bank, post office or supermarket, there is one universal law which you ignore at your own peril: the shortest line moves the slowest.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I got my start in silent radio.

For me, it would be very difficult to express an opinion about our times without humor. I don't think you could do that.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.