Humor Quotes

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

I think you gotta have some humor [in your story]. People gotta have a moment to laugh and feel that it's not taken 100% serious. That's important.

We [people] may enjoy this fleeting beauty [of life] for such a brief instance. And then we are compost. G - , the creator-destroyer, certainly has a strange sense of humor!

Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

What else is nature but God?

Nothing is better than the unintended humor of reality.

Humor is all about timing.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.

Great men are rarely isolated mountain-peaks; they are the summits of ranges.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it.

It is well known that humor, more than anything else in the human make-up, can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds.

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.

And, when the votes are counted, let everybody, including the candidates, get into a good humor as quick as they got into a bad one.

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

The friendship that we established early on in our marriage ... that carries you through tough times. That and a good sense of humor.

Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice.

Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'.

I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!" Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer

We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Life is tough, then you die.

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

To be really mediæval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes.