One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Writing a book isn't just about 'writing a book.' Unfortunately, it's about selling it, and getting it out to the masses.

No matter where you hide your emotions, a good book brings it out.

If I truly had the courage of my convictions, I would be a full-blown comic novelist.

I'm not a performer, in that I don't like the public, but I work in that respect.

I worked with Lawrence Olivier some years ago. He was a great mentor.

My friend Taylor Swift’s new album, 1989.

It is not possible to become a great player without having learned how to analyse deeply and accurately.

What kind of a maniac needed over five thousand plates?

I really hated school. I had the feeling I was losing a lot of time.