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Hilarious Quotes: "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.



Hilarious Quotes: "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.




Hilarious Quotes: "Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you."

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.



Hilarious Quotes: "When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.




Hilarious Quotes: "The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity."

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.



Hilarious Quotes: "Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.



Hilarious Quotes: "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.




Hilarious Quotes: "By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong."

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.



Hilarious Quotes: "Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?"

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?



Hilarious Quotes: "Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



Hilarious Quotes: "I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.



Hilarious Quotes: "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.




Hilarious Quotes: "To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target"

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target



Hilarious Quotes: "I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.



Hilarious Quotes: "You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.



Hilarious Quotes: "If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research."

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.



Hilarious Quotes: "Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.



Hilarious Quotes: "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.



Hilarious Quotes: "Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.



Hilarious Quotes: "My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine."

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.



Hilarious Quotes: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.



Hilarious Quotes: "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit."

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.



Hilarious Quotes: "A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it."

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.



Hilarious Quotes: "Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.



Hilarious Quotes: "If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.



Hilarious Quotes: "My life is an open book. With illustrations."

My life is an open book. With illustrations.



Hilarious Quotes: "The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired."

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.



Hilarious Quotes: "A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.



Hilarious Quotes: "good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere



Hilarious Quotes: "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.



Hilarious Quotes: "Anybody wants to call me the Triple H of Ring of Honor, I think that's hilarious. I would prefer to call Triple H the CM Punk of the WWE."

Anybody wants to call me the Triple H of Ring of Honor, I think that's hilarious. I would prefer to call Triple H the CM Punk of the WWE.



Hilarious Quotes: "I loved this smart, funny, big-hearted novel. As hilarious and wise as early Philip Roth, The Mathematician's Shiva will delight and move you."

I loved this smart, funny, big-hearted novel. As hilarious and wise as early Philip Roth, The Mathematician's Shiva will delight and move you.



Hilarious Quotes: "Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part."

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.



Hilarious Quotes: "There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.



Hilarious Quotes: "Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is."

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.



Hilarious Quotes: "I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows."

I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.



Hilarious Quotes: "There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper."

There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.



Hilarious Quotes: "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.



Hilarious Quotes: "Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20."

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20.



Hilarious Quotes: "Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness."

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.



Hilarious Quotes: "The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing."

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.



Hilarious Quotes: "If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog."

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.



Hilarious Quotes: "Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate."

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.



Hilarious Quotes: "When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes"

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes



Hilarious Quotes: "I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way."

I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.



Hilarious Quotes: "If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize."

If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.



Hilarious Quotes: "The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit."

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.



Hilarious Quotes: "I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!"

I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!



Hilarious Quotes: "Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.