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Hilarious Quotes

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Hilarious Quotes: "Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby."

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.




Hilarious Quotes: "What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night, So stumblest on my counsel?*Who are you? Why do you hide in the darkness and listen to my private thoughts?*"

What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night, So stumblest on my counsel?*Who are you? Why do you hide in the darkness and listen to my private thoughts?*



Hilarious Quotes: "What are you doing sister? / Killing swine."

What are you doing sister? / Killing swine.



Hilarious Quotes: "A peevish self-willed harlotry it is.*She’s a stubborn little brat.*"

A peevish self-willed harlotry it is.*She’s a stubborn little brat.*




Hilarious Quotes: "I dare you to call Ask-A-Nurse and tell them you feel a presence in your womb region."

I dare you to call Ask-A-Nurse and tell them you feel a presence in your womb region.



Hilarious Quotes: "It made her want to have his babies and give him both her kidneys."

It made her want to have his babies and give him both her kidneys.



Hilarious Quotes: "Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion."

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion.




Hilarious Quotes: "Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious."

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.



Hilarious Quotes: "(Brin) 'How good is your lawyer, on a scale of Atticus Finch to Franklin and Bash?"

(Brin) 'How good is your lawyer, on a scale of Atticus Finch to Franklin and Bash?



Hilarious Quotes: "Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks?"

Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks?



Hilarious Quotes: "I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt."

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.



Hilarious Quotes: "Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter."

Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.




Hilarious Quotes: "No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic."

No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.



Hilarious Quotes: "Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go."

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.



Hilarious Quotes: "When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win, ’ and drove off."

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win, ’ and drove off.



Hilarious Quotes: "... I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I've ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!"

... I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I've ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!



Hilarious Quotes: "Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye."

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.



Hilarious Quotes: "He shook his head in wonder. "You are magnificent.""I keep telling everyone that, " she said with a nonchalant shrug, "But you seem to be the only one to believe me."

He shook his head in wonder. "You are magnificent.""I keep telling everyone that, " she said with a nonchalant shrug, "But you seem to be the only one to believe me.



Hilarious Quotes: "The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow."

The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow.



Hilarious Quotes: "Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just .... wrong. On so many levels."

Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just .... wrong. On so many levels.




Hilarious Quotes: "My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing."

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.



Hilarious Quotes: "so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!"

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!



Hilarious Quotes: "Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks."

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.




Hilarious Quotes: "Huh, " said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman."

Huh, " said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman.



Hilarious Quotes: "The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed"

The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed




Hilarious Quotes: "It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time."

It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time.



Hilarious Quotes: "And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all."

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.



Hilarious Quotes: "Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin."

Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin.



Hilarious Quotes: "People change. Sometimes I think they don't know they're changing until it's already happened, though. You get so used to being one person, it's weird when you wake up and everything is different."

People change. Sometimes I think they don't know they're changing until it's already happened, though. You get so used to being one person, it's weird when you wake up and everything is different.



Hilarious Quotes: "If you've ever been there, you've never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room."

If you've ever been there, you've never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.



Hilarious Quotes: "My greatest privilege is being married to a gentle loving husband. I am very grateful God made our path cross."

My greatest privilege is being married to a gentle loving husband. I am very grateful God made our path cross.



Hilarious Quotes: "Shane waved a hand. “Please, we know that all ittakes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and aNetFlix rental."

Shane waved a hand. “Please, we know that all ittakes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and aNetFlix rental.



Hilarious Quotes: "Come on, " he said. "Bring the poker."I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it."

Come on, " he said. "Bring the poker."I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.



Hilarious Quotes: "Ava, "Since shewas right, Daddy Shane has been calling her ourwalking, talking Magic 8 Ball, although we’re notallowed to shake her when we want answers."

Ava, "Since shewas right, Daddy Shane has been calling her ourwalking, talking Magic 8 Ball, although we’re notallowed to shake her when we want answers.



Hilarious Quotes: "Sometimes we have to try on a few different personalities before we found ourselves."

Sometimes we have to try on a few different personalities before we found ourselves.



Hilarious Quotes: "God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he'd be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way."

God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he'd be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way.



Hilarious Quotes: "Merlin seeks assistance from Pigwiggen, the only one of Arthur's knights who is also a fairy, and they unite their enchantments to move the British Court to Turkestan. Lively end to Act One."

Merlin seeks assistance from Pigwiggen, the only one of Arthur's knights who is also a fairy, and they unite their enchantments to move the British Court to Turkestan. Lively end to Act One.



Hilarious Quotes: "Thankyou, "Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. "That is kind of you my lord. But i will never dance with you." Which, ofcourse, made it the goal of leo's life."

Thankyou, "Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. "That is kind of you my lord. But i will never dance with you." Which, ofcourse, made it the goal of leo's life.



Hilarious Quotes: "If in doubt, cheese has been always the answer.."

If in doubt, cheese has been always the answer..



Hilarious Quotes: "How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke."

How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.



Hilarious Quotes: "Sometimes things need shaking up. You’ve got to test the limits."

Sometimes things need shaking up. You’ve got to test the limits.



Hilarious Quotes: "Nothing like a bit of flattery to grease the wheels."

Nothing like a bit of flattery to grease the wheels.



Hilarious Quotes: "It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel."

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.



Hilarious Quotes: "You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook."

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.



Hilarious Quotes: "Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen"

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen



Hilarious Quotes: "I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning."

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.