Wilson Mizner Quotes

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.

A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

Failure has gone to his head.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.

Easy street is a blind alley.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.

Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother.

It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.

Count 10 over him - he'll get up