When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I love being my husband's wife.

O hour, of all hours, the most blesse'd upon earth, The bless'd hour of our dinners!

Writers are entirely egocentric. To them, few things in their lives have meaning or importance unless they give promise of serving some creative purpose.

In Cuba and specifically in Havana there's a sort of energy that turns every situation into something unexpected.

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

I like you angry better than weepy.

I love songs that people can dance to and enjoy at the same time.

The House GOP continues to fail to address the real & serious issues thatthousands of families face each day.

I laugh a lot in the ring when I'’m having fun.

The first time you face up to a googly you're going to be in trouble if you've never faced one before