Elayne Boosler Quotes

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naïve hope.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.

For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.