You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I will not live the rest of my life in regret.

If you don't change your schedule, you'll be the same person you've always been.

There's an enormous difference between being a critic and a reviewer. The reviewer reacts to the experience of that book.

The last thing a man becomes progressive about is the activities of his own wife.

The mind that is much elevated and insolent with prosperity, and cast down with adversity, is generally abject and base.

You can learn more about hunting deer with a bow and arrow in a week than a gun hunter will learn in his entire life

I write for a certain sphere of readers in the United States who on average watch seven and a half hours of multichannel television per day.

Honeymoon's overtime to get married.

Ramadan makes you closer to God.

You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?