My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Undoubtedly, there are numerous problems with the immigration system here in The United States.

I know I never work in whatever gets called an office, e.g., a school office I use only for meeting students and storing books I know I'm not going to read anytime soon.

Truth is the kind of error without which a certain species of life could not live. The value for life is ultimately decisive.

Be wary of technology; it is often merely an improved means to an unimproved end.

I sympathize with every kitchen porter.

I'm kind of scatterbrain and all over the place at times.

We are living in the World of Snails! Man is extremely slow! Whoever has a limited life, he has no right to be slow! Things must be done quickly! Slowness belongs to the immortals!

There is nobody as enslaved as the fanatic, the person in whom one impulse, one value, has assumed ascendancy over all others.

Concepts of integrity and heroism and honor are still important to the world today. Some people behave well, and some people behave badly.

Here's something pompous - you take your day and artistically create it, so every moment has an artistic flavor.