Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Every day we are reborn.

First you forget names then you forget faces then you forget to pull your zipper up then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Virtue cannot dwell with wealth either in a city or in a house.

I've got a bit of an independent streak. I'm not afraid of bipartisan compromise on issues that are important to the nation.

In this day and age, you gotta be a profiler to really know who people are, which most of us are not. So, we need time and life to start happening for people to really show their trust colors.

My nutritionist read my pathology report and said, "There's only one way you can beat your cancer." "What's that?" "You have to find out what caused it.

I have an equal opportunity womb!

An educated person is not necessarily the one who has the knowledge, but the one who knows where to get it when needed.

Again, conventional Catholicism does not much appeal to me.

Writing should be testimony to the vast flow of life through us.