Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Your spirit is strong enough to survive any situation.

Perhaps I shouldn’t like it so much, but I’ve always been one for finding beauty in the ugliest stories.

Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true.

If I say things like I'm going to erase someone's Social Security number, we all know I clearly don't work at the Social Security office.

GRIT is Guts, Resilience, Industriousness and Tenacity. GRIT is the ability to focus, stay determined, stay optimistic in the face of a challenge, and simply work harder than the next guy or gal.

I was just learning to play guitar when Tracy Chapman came out. She wrote these songs, she played them by herself and I so admired her for that.

When you have fun then you're more interested in learning.

I always thought there was a - even in the most, quote, "conceptual art," there is always a physical aspect to it. I never knew what the term meant.

To connect to people at the deepest level, you need stories.

I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn’t cotton candy like the guy said… my tummy itches.