I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Ignorance is always afraid of change.

You commit yourself to such a level where there is no compromise. You give everything you have, everything, absolutely everything.

I always wanted to play against the best.

Success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it... Err in the direction of kindness.

The denigration of those we love always detaches us from them in some degree. Never touch your idols: the gilding will stick to your fingers.

The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you'd ever believe at first glance.

Unjust force can never give any just dominion.

Burn all the maps to your body. I'm not here of my own choosing.

Tiger, come on now, you've still got work to do. This round and golf tournament are not over. Hang in there and finish the race.

The job of the writer is to make revolution irresistible.