You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

If you don't like something don't protest from a far. Work within it to change it. Otherwise, you'll just be one voice of many rather than a trusted voice of influence.

I think we're simply going to run out of Nature before we have a chance to destroy it.

You can't disassemble a bomb unless you understand how it was built.

He's easily the most well-adjusted former child star in the room, please welcome... Jason Bateman.

Art is not chaste. Those ill prepared should be allowed no contact with art. Art is dangerous. If it is chaste, it is not art.

Prior to the reign of the godly King Josiah, the law of God had been lost in the temple for many years. Has the same thing occurred among us? Has the evangel been lost among evangelicals?

Teaching is so rewarding because when you see the look on student's faces when they get it, when you're able to excite them about what you're excited about; it's so rewarding, and it's so much fun.

The opportunity to be a storyteller is the greatest thing in the world, and I feel so lucky and really love it.

When I go to the shore, I take along the poems of Pablo Neruda. I suppose it's because the poems are simultaneously lush and ripe and kind of lazy, yet throbbing with life - like summer itself.