It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Kršćanin koji je izgubio vedrinu, postao je beživotan i više je svjedok protiv vjere nego za vjeru.

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.

We have a powerful potential in out youth, and we must have the courage to change old ideas and practices so that we may direct their power toward good ends.

With the other fellow actors who have gone astray, I think it's sad that society wants to label the business as doing this to people. It's really not true.

If you're really being honest with yourself when you're acting, part of it is touching the real you. You can only separate yourself so much from the character. Those vulnerable moments do touch me.

Take off your watch: the divine is speaking to you.

I put a lot of emphasis on childrens issues. Children are many times ignored because they dont vote, and they dont have lobby groups.

To be one's own master is to be the slave of self.

There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.

Settle down, pup. I ain’t had my caffeine yet.” – Sundown