Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but... why not get a bigger dog and bite them back?

Be mindful to love and appreciate yourself and become your own champion. This healthy and loving relationship will be felt when people meet you.

A story conducted by the time of a clock and calendars alone would be a story not of human beings but of mechanical toys.

What did you see?' he asked then. Nothing,' I told him. 'Because nothing is what you wanted me to see, though the man on the table might disagree.

If you get a bad review, you take that in your stride.

Sometimes kids used to give me a hard time. But they're on my side.

What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.

Some days are a blessing when you wake up and you say, 'Wow, I feel good today.' Some days are like: 'Wow, I feel bad. I got no chance today.' You tape it up and you go.

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.