So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Who knows you more...your friend or your enemy? It's your enemy that pursues with passion while your friend engages at leisure.

The only 'ironclad rules' in writing fiction are the laws of physics and the principles of grammar, and even those can be bent.

You can't just be reactive to the things going on in your life. You have to imagine, and you have to plunder other people's work, books, poems, ideas, observations.

He who has the pepper may season as he lists.

I was a cheerleader growing up, so I can relate to that!

We'd like to think our consumers are listening. But in reality, the milder weather the last few days probably has a lot to do with it.

I've often written about places that are totally different from anything I know. Sometimes they turn out better.

Why would heavy metal ever go away?

I was an opening act for 10 years.

Democracy is not freedom. Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to eat for lunch.