I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Why? Because I refuse to erase a man's lifetime? I tell you Brady had the same right as Cates: the right to be wrong!

The fact that that's the difference between Mexicans and Cubans is pronounced. It's so immediately recognizable, the way a Cuban speaks, the way a Cuban moves the hands.

Who never wins can rarely lose, Who never climbs as rarely falls

Teaching, without learning, is just talking

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

I'm saying that there's absolutely no conclusive evidence that Jesus ever really existed, even as a mortal. I don't believe he was a historical figure at all.

Give thyself time to learn something new and good, and cease to be whirled around.

I grew up in the country surrounded by music.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

Stop bullshitting yourself. You're not satisfied. You lowered your standards and are settling for a lot less.