I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

The world does not need more Christian literature. What it needs is more Christians writing good literature.

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

Don't work out, work in.

How could I have been anyone other than me?

Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful." -"It was stupid.

Play with passion and heart. If you don't carry passion into sport - or into any job for that matter - you won't succeed.

We were willing to do so much for the people we loved, even if it meant hurting ourselves. Maybe that, in the end, was what love- all kinds- was really about.

When you see beauty anywhere, it's a reflection of yourself.