I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

People who spent the war in prison camps have written a lot of books about what a bad time they had, she said quietly, staring into the embers. they don't know what it was like, not being in a camp.

Women are not all single-issue voters.

I've said consistently, the advice I give to Donald is to Donald [Trump]. And that's based upon our friendship over the last 14 years and the way I would expect to.

And I also trust that there's more than one way to do something.

One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.

America is the first country... that can actually have a bloodless revolution.

I wear so many disguises on the show that only a real comedy fan might spot me.

I think that's what we love about the vodka, is that it's consistent. It's consistent in its pureness and that's how I tie it to restaurants.

The strength of character and emotional intelligence to face your failures and learn from them are at the core of success.