Witty Quotes

Witty Quote of the day

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem!

People who live in an age of corruption are witty and slanderous; they know that there are other kinds of murder than by dagger or assault; they also know that whatever is well said is believed.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.