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Witty Quotes

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Witty Quotes: "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!



Witty Quotes: "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese




Witty Quotes: "I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!"

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!



Witty Quotes: "A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest"

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest




Witty Quotes: "Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish"

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish



Witty Quotes: "Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.



Witty Quotes: "If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else."

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.




Witty Quotes: "Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing."

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.



Witty Quotes: "If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?



Witty Quotes: "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else."

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.



Witty Quotes: "The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk."

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.



Witty Quotes: "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.




Witty Quotes: "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.



Witty Quotes: "If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.



Witty Quotes: "Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem!"

Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem!



Witty Quotes: "People who live in an age of corruption are witty and slanderous; they know that there are other kinds of murder than by dagger or assault; they also know that whatever is well said is believed."

People who live in an age of corruption are witty and slanderous; they know that there are other kinds of murder than by dagger or assault; they also know that whatever is well said is believed.



Witty Quotes: "Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler."

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.



Witty Quotes: "I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them."

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.



Witty Quotes: "Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!"

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!



Witty Quotes: "My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there."

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.



Witty Quotes: "Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway."

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.



Witty Quotes: "Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must."

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.



Witty Quotes: "Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom"

Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom



Witty Quotes: "Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?"

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?



Witty Quotes: "I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.



Witty Quotes: "Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind."

Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.



Witty Quotes: "We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.



Witty Quotes: "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.



Witty Quotes: "A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours."

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.



Witty Quotes: "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.



Witty Quotes: "Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination."

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.



Witty Quotes: "[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot."

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.



Witty Quotes: "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.



Witty Quotes: "No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties"

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties



Witty Quotes: "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.



Witty Quotes: "Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.



Witty Quotes: "People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.



Witty Quotes: "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off."

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.



Witty Quotes: "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly."

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.



Witty Quotes: "When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor."

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.



Witty Quotes: "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.



Witty Quotes: "I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.



Witty Quotes: "Sacred cows make the best hamburger."

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.



Witty Quotes: "Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade."

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.



Witty Quotes: "The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife."

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.



Witty Quotes: "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake."

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.



Witty Quotes: "Room service? Send up a larger room."

Room service? Send up a larger room.



Witty Quotes: "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.



Witty Quotes: "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.