Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

I see the sunRISE

Truly embracing the fragility and tensions of life...brings with it the possibility of true joy.

Did you ever have one of those nights when you didn't want to go out but your hair looked too good to stay home?

I realize that I'm a mature woman and one of these days, incredible diet or not, I'll be a little old lady.

The Celtic fans are very special and the club and players can be very proud of them. They are the best I have ever heard.

Many a poor soul has had to suffer from the weight of the debts on him, finding no rest or peace after death.

More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good.

At the hour of death when we all come face to face with God we are going to be judged on love: how much we have loved, not how much we have done but how much love we have put in our action.

Do not say that you have chaste minds if you have unchaste eyes, because an unchaste eye is the messenger of an unchaste heart.

The best thing I ever did with my life was stand up and say I've got Alzheimer's.