Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If your students aren't learning, then maybe you're not teaching.

When you get scared, embarrassed, angry, nervous, with full of emotion and bad thoughts, remember to maintain your discipline. It earns you respect the more.

You don't ever want to go out there and not be the best. You want to be the best cop that you can. Be the best writer you can be. Everybody has their goals. Everybody has their dreams.

If you shut the door to all errors, truth will be shut out.

Midget wrestling on channel 3, it costs me 50 bucks a month.

My own belief is that people can come back from anything. It doesn't mean that it won't come at a huge cost.

We believe that if men have the talent to invent new machines that put men out of work, they have the talent to put those men back to work.

Government, which does not and did not grant us our rights, must not now seek to deny them by using fear as its justification.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Hurry up and learn patience.