President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

A truth should exist, it should not be usedlike this. If I love youis that a fact or a weapon?

One best success comes after their greatest disappointments.

Anything from Kipling

I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.

... surgery is a powerful placebo, perhaps the ultimate placebo. The effectiveness of a placebo is directly proportional to the impression it makes on the patient's subconscious mind.

The main thing between you and God is not so much your sins; it's your damnable good works.

She was not crying Which surprised me very much But I understand now That she had found places For her melancholy That were behind more masks Than only her eyes

Saintly people not only are responsible for themselves, but for everyone.

Conscience makes egotists of us all.

Success can create amazing opportunities but it can also bring a set of confines which make your decisions a little murkier.