They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

Humans are vulnerable, because they’re capable of being hurt.

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

Best and dearest flower that grows, / Perfect both to see and smell; / Words can never, never tell / Half the beauty of a Rose - .

If anyone wants to know what the definition of 'dope' means, it's: 'Definition of Public Enemy.

Art should be serious, not a joke. I dont like to laugh about art.

In the middle of Siberia I guess there's a lake that big [ like the Great Lakes], but there are practically no other lakes that big with fresh water.

A penalty is a cowardly way to score.

Those that reach their goals perish.

The one who actually succeeds in making himself believe that he is having a good time is the man of splendid physical health.