Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

But you're so strong. I wish I were strong. I just like eating.

I have been a believer in the magic of language since, at a very early age, I discovered that some words got me into trouble and others got me out.

When I first held my daughter, right after she was born, I felt like it was the moment I'd been waiting my whole life for, and it just felt even more miraculous than I ever could have imagined.

And me I'm in my bedroom drawing in my notebook Because my hand thinks I'm an artist But my heart knows I'm a poet It's just words they mean so little to me.

An act of love, a voluntary taking on oneself of some of the pain of the world, increases the courage and love and hope of all.

Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!

Education will not cure all the problems of society, but without it no cure for any problem is possible.

I like witty people, people who can be witty on the spot.

My lips got lost on the way to the kiss - that's how drunk I was.

Faith means belief in something concerning which doubt is still theoretically possible ... faith is the readiness to act in a cause the prosperous issue of which is not certified to us in advance.