Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

Wyatt didn't want it, but without his permission, his heart started beating again. It had always beat for Tabitha.

I prefer a loose woman to a selfish one and a wanton to a fool.

Reach for something out of the ordinary. You must dare to even come close.

People say, 'What's the secret to a marriage?' There's no secret - I think you get lucky.

If you're lucky enough to use something you see in a dream, it is purely original. It's not in the world - it's in your head. I think that is amazing.

There's nothing like turning on the radio and listening to the high-speed chase that you're leading police on!

China will certainly pay more attention to human rights.

Lead from the back — and let others believe they are in front.

Must one become seventy years old to recognize that one's greatest strength lies in creating musical kitsch?

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.