Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

Love is so unpredictable. That's what makes it so great.

Cleverness is like rouge - liberal application makes a woman look common and desperate. Wit is knowing how to apply it.

I had made a friend. My second one in fourteen years. I was on a roll

Good Humor is the best shield against the darts of satirical raillery

People who think my books are autobiographical, which they're not, credit me with having a much better memory than I do. I do, however, have a powerful imagination

I'm very passionate about charity... Performing is my passion. But it's not gonna change the world. That's why I give back.

I am a woman, I make mistakes. I make them often. God has given me a talent and that's it.

Still I rise Still I fight Still I might crack a smile Keep my eyes on the prize See my haters tell em hi

A road that does not lead to other roads always has to be retraced, unless the traveller chooses to rust at the end of it.

I would live with all of my sisters if I could. We've always been very close, my sisters and me.